First, I want to start by explaining where the idea of writing this article came from. As many of you know, I have been living in America for about 2.5 years due to my husband’s job. Consequently, I meet many families who are away from their home countries or share the same social media groups with them. Not long ago – just last Sunday, I was having my coffee while reading a woman’s story in one of those groups, and she wrote:
“My husband received an excellent offer from a company in Dubai. At that time, I was a manager at a very good company, and I was very satisfied with my career. However, the offer to my husband was very enticing, so I resigned and moved to Dubai. I am struggling to adapt here and have lost my desire to work. There are no job opportunities. I applied to a few places, but nothing came of it. I think I have a depression. I want to hear from women with similar stories and feel that I am not alone.”
This is probably the 100th similar story I have read since I arrived here. In all of them, productive and career-oriented women move to another country due to their spouse’s situation and face adaptation problems. Some do not know the language of the country they moved to, which is the hardest part, while others still struggle to adapt despite knowing the language.
Then I thought about myself, and I realized that if I had only focused on my corporate career and not pursued further education, I could have felt the same way. Until 2019, I was working as a sales and marketing manager at a very good company. When my husband received the offer to move to America in 2021, I had already ended my corporate career. Since I had established my own education and consultancy company, I was able to continue my work online without interruption. Therefore, I did not experience the same state of mind as this woman. But still, I thought for a moment that if I only had my corporate job and had to leave it behind to move, I would have done the same because, from a rational perspective, I would think the offer to Engin would benefit our family more. I would leave everything and move with him without having any job or occupation. This realization sent chills down my spine and a flood of questions followed;
“How could I give up so easily? Did I have the Cinderella Complex, too? Was this about leaving the responsibility of life to a man? Would I be taking the easy way out? If the situation were reversed, would Engin leave everything to follow me? According to general norms, was this normal? What was normal anyway? Who determined this normal? By what and whose standards? … Whenever such questions flood my mind, I know it’s time to pour them out.
So let’s start writing.
Cinderella Complex
I came across this term in an ebook application called Bookey, and it immediately caught my attention. I read it and thought that many women raised in our Turkish society possess this complex to some extent. Even if not all its characteristics, some surely resonated with me.
“I hate being alone. I want to be safe, protected, and cared for more than anything else in the world.”
The book starts with these thoughts, and this quote summarizes the main idea of the book: The inner tendency of femininity is the fear of independence. Colette Dowling explains the reasons for women’s fear of independence with various examples and her own life experiences.
According to Dowling, when women have to choose between the desire for security and possession and the passion for freedom, they choose to sacrifice their freedom. The need for security, the feeling of being safe and protected, surpasses the quest for freedom. It seems our understanding of freedom is very different from that of men. The main reason for this is that men are raised more actively concerning their understanding of freedom compared to women. In our society, this situation is often hidden in phrases like ‘There is no man in charge!’
In reality, the boundaries of freedom for women and men in life are determined through a process of education that is taught and learned. According to the author, almost every woman experiences dependency on men in their relationships. Through the Cinderella Complex, the biggest obstacle to a woman’s quest for freedom is her emotional dependence on men and her desire for this dependency.
Women often feel the need to rely on men when overwhelmed by life’s difficulties. This need can prevent them from resisting challenging processes because they see no alternative to remaining dependent on men. Both women and men need to develop their independence from a young age. Through the Cinderella Complex, the author sheds light on the fact that even when women have the ability to work and achieve economic independence, they still feel the desire for dependency.
The book addresses the dilemma women feel between dependency and independence. In patriarchal societies, traditional roles often prevent women from being truly independent. Additionally, the book explores how the desire for protection, guidance, and control by men goes beyond necessity and stems from deep-rooted yearnings. This is linked to the instincts and characteristics of women. Of course, at the deepest level, it is based on the collective unconscious as defined by Jung.
Now, after all this, I suppose there is no need to explain why it is called the Cinderella Complex.
“The prince on a white horse will come and rescue the princess from her dire situation.”
That is the dream. With such a dream, the salvation lies in someone else, specifically a man. Referring back to the initial subject, in any situation change, the one willing to give up her freedom and all her life experiences will be the woman. Because she will experience the state of being safe and protected when she is with her man.
In this writing, I will not mention the steps to take or processes to transform this. I aimed to bring attention to this phenomenon that many women have but do not know by name and to raise awareness. As a woman who has proven herself in many areas of life and has the power to exist independently, I admitted that I had this complex. This awareness caused me to revisit many issues. For instance, I realized that I accepted some matters too easily and stopped questioning them. I hope this awareness forms in you too. It is very important to be honest with yourself and to confront these issues…
If you want more from this article, please let me know in the comments or visit my Instagram account @nihalaltunsuzer. Maybe we will organize a workshop just for women, who knows? How to Transform Your Cinderella into Xena Workshop. Haha, just kidding, but who knows? Not completely Cinderella, nor Xena, but a mix of both as needed…
Finally, I want to end with another quote from the author:
“Because of the way society sets them up, women never again experience the need to develop independence – until some crisis in later life explodes their complacency, showing them how sadly helpless and undeveloped they’ve allowed themselves to be.”
- Colette Dowling
With endless love,
Nihal
